Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
