Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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