Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
