thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
We need a shit load of segways right now
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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