so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
