I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
