Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
