dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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