His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
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