So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
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If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
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oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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