Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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