Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
This house was built for laser tag.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
