That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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