Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
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