When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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