Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
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