Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
