tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
sex in a hospital.. check
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
