My boss' voice literally gives me gas
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
