I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
