im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I want a musical about memes.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
