did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
