i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
