I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
