i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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