Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
