pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
