I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
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