I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
