i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
