I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
