It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
