One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
