I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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