: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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