Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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