I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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