yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize