so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
