I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
