he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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