I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
