Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
