I'm lost and stupid without you.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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