You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
