i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
