I am in a vortex of obligation.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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