She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
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Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
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Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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