Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
