There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
