i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
