Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
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she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
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weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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