Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Randomize
