ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
