awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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