My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
